Jokes

^ That guy is retarded. Such shitty wishes.

What do you get when you eat onions and baked beans?

Tear gas.

never trust an atom

they make up everything

Santa asks his wife to look outside to check the weather and the wife says, it looks like rain, dear.

^ Oh my god haha

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different
each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows
each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once
he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look,
it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the
table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It
was, after
all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician
found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with,
as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a
word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,


"OK, I give up. Where's the fucking ship?"

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal.. When he enters a roomeveryone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D
breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say,
"Oh My God."

Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell...'

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

A man and his wife go to their
honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected
on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was
going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I
wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits
dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she
asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if
I did a pretty good job."

Implode wrote:A man and his wife go to their
honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected
on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband,
"When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was
going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I
wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits
dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she
asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if
I did a pretty good job."

Eedee.

That is all.

^ not original.

Eedee wrote:Mat Demaz.

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a
class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.
"This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you
have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into
his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But
being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one
by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into
their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.
"If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that
I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my
mouth."

Eedee.

^ No.

Peter was telling a friend that he had just lost his job.



"Why did the foreman fire you?" The friend asked in surprise.


"Oh," Peter said, "you know how foreman are. They
stand around with their hands in their pockets watching everybody else
work."


"We all know that," replied his friend. "But why did he let you go?"


"Jealousy," answered Pete. "All the other workers thought I was the foreman."

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop
is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be
going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I
could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Well, your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

A son goes up to his Jewish father and asks for $5. The father says, "4 dollars? What do you need three dollars for??" So he pulls out two 1's and says "There ya go, here's your two dollars. But bring the change".

Eedee.

Q: Why did the calf cross the road?

A: To get to the udder side.

Q: Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles?
A: A rehab center.

What do you call a dead lawyer?

A blessing.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the bakery?
A: It burned 20 cakes and 30 loaves of bread, and there were plenty of hot cross buns!

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús."