Jokes

Post jokes here.

Jokes deserves it's own forum bro..Change it.

Your momma so fat that a picture of her says on the bottom corner: 'To be continued'

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Cause I said so.

We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.

jamieking wrote:We came up with Earth Day so we would have one day every year that would remind us what planet we were living on.

Lewis Black?

Only in America:
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they
didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine."

Why did Demaz cross the road?
Cause he sucks!

Funny shit man..

Prince Charles was driving around his mother’s estate when he
accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a Corgi, crushing it to a pulp.


He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally
distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go
ballistic.


Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up,
polished it and immediately a genie appeared. "You have freed me from
thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie" As a reward I shall
grant you one wish."


"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog."


They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think
you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.


The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This
body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there
something else you would like?"


The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled
out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,"
said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love
this woman called Camilla," and he showed the genie the second photo.
"You see Camilla isn’t beautiful at all, so do you think you can make
Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"


The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, "Let’s have another look at the dog".

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because I said so.

FallenAngel wrote:Only in America:
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they
didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the
process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

XD

Gay thread.

Why did David cross the road?
Because he sucks.

What does steroids and the KKK have in common?

They both make black guys run fast.

An Irishman walks into a male toilet and sees some guy with no arms.
He asks the Irishman to unzip him.
He unzips him and the no-armed man's penis is green and covered in spots.

The Irishman asked him, "what the fuck happened to your dick?"

And the no-armed man replied with, "I dunno, but I don't wanna touch it.

A mother carefully explained to her young daughter how children were
created. She used the expression “carrying a child” instead of
“pregnant,” but the girl seemed satisfied.
Sometime later, a terrible fire broke out in the neighborhood, and the
girl stood by watching. Here is how she described the scene to her
parents: “There was this big fire, and a fireman ran into the house, and
when he came out, he was pregnant.”

One day, a cowboy rode into a Wild, Wild West town. The people in the
town love to play jokes on visitors. After tying his horse to the pole
outside a bar, the cowboy went in. "A cup of milk please." he said to
the bartender. After drinking, he went out, only to find his horse
missing. Knowing that the villagers did it, he went back into the bar
and said to everybody," I am going to have another drink and when I
finish it, I want to see my horse outside! Or else, I will have to do
what I did in Texas - HERE!" The people were very frightened. When he
finished his drink, he went outside and saw his horse. The villagers had
put it back. Curious, the bartender asked the cowboy,” What did you do
in Texas?"
The Cowboy replied,"Well, I had to walk home."

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I
have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best
time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read
all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch
the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so
later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You
wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house,
and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter
back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Q: Why was the suicide bomber disappointed when he met his 72 virgins?

A: He blew off his penis.

Mat Demaz.

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One
day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do
with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He
asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female
donkey. The manager sees him and asks where he's going with his donkey.

"Anywhere I go, she goes."

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you can't take the donkey
upstairs. Leave it down here with us and we'll take good care of her."
So Bozo goes up to his room and opens the door. Everything is made of
gold, there is a table full of food, and a huge television. He doesn't
want to ruin anything so he takes his raggedy coat off and sleeps on the
floor. The next morning the manager comes up to the room and asks how
his night was.

''Great!'' replied Bozo. ''How much do I have to pay?'' he asks.

''One thousand dollars for the food.''

''But I haven't touched the food."

''It was right there, so you should have. Two thousand dollars for the TV."

''But I didn't even know how to turn the damn thing on!''

''It was there, so you should have. Five thousand for sleeping on the bed."

''But I slept on the floor!''

''It was there. Your total is eight thousand dollars."

''You owe me ten thousand dollars for screwing my donkey.''

''But sir, I didn't screw your donkey.''

''It was there. You should have!''

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer," he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

A man found a magic genie who would grant him one wish. The man said to
the genie,” I wish that I had a non-stop bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie said,” I’m sorry, but that's going to be very hard. Do you
have another wish?" The man answered, "Of course! I want the power to
understand all women." The genie thought for a minute. He replied, "How
many platforms did you want on that bridge?"